Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
