just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
