i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
