the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
