I faked an abortion last night.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
