3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
