and next time when you feel me up, do it right
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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