well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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