A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I currently don't understand fingers.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
