theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
