His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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