I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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