bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
