I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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