She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
