i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
