i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
