So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just high enough for therapy.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
