The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
