the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
