i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
