shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
