My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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