So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
