What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
