i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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