i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I forget how to act sober
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
