remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
