Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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