My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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