You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
