70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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