Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
