I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
