I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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