do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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