if you like me you must not know who I am
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize
