Need sex. Gaining weight.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
