I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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