im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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