I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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