i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
