I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you win again, gameday.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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