it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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