i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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