How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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