He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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