I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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