i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
