fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
