Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
