Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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