It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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