Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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