I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
