You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
