john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
